I am forgetting to eat. Boris is not eating. I am using a syringe to squirt water into his mouth every hour. He doesn’t mind it, and I think it makes him more comfortable.
For both of us, all of the attention of which we are capable has consumed us here. I have more ability to pay attention that he does. Relationships are paying attention. Living together is regular and sustained paying attention. Paying attention is meditation. We have been paying attention for over 19 years. I notice when we are attached. We move to detached. The detachment allows us to focus out do our work, pay attention to ourselves, pay attention to others outside us.
I need to focus out and pay more attention to myself. I need to start eating again. I have no one here to remind me. Those of us who are single have less of the benefit of being someone else’s meditation, of someone else knowing the little pieces without much talking. With a beautiful being like Boris in the house, we get the warmth of appreciation for what we do, but we don’t get the tiny pieces of paying attention to another. Often being around others results in endless catching up instead of being there together.
Meditation is about the details. Catching up is not. I am getting lonely, but I am not up for catching up. Instead I am paying attention to what is quiet. The quiet outside reflects the quiet inside. I don’t want to talk. It seems that noise from inside creates resonances that are harder to stop than noise from the outside. The radio seems to be OK. The visual sensations from the TV are too much. I am evaluating every habit based on the volume of its resonance.
